The Journal of Caleb Dooley, Feb. 10

[not_a_haint]

Tuesday, February 10th
I've been spending most of my free time since coming here, getting caught up on modern technology, history and a bit of popular culture. And then comparing notes with my roommate Sairis.

But something about my involuntarily illuminating conversation with Miss Arden (Miss Finch? I guess I've already been calling her Miss Arden so I'll stick with that) has me pondering something I usually try to steer clear of: What Might Have Been

Thinking about that was not exactly a hobby that was encouraged in the Cradle. What was it Granny used to say? “If ifs and buts were candies and nuts what a wonderful Christmas it would be”.

What happened to all of us was neither right nor fair, but it happened. And dwelling on “what if” would only make us unhappy.

But what if? What if Uncle Ricky Lee picked somewhere else for us to settle? I still don't remember what happened to them, but other details are standing out. Details that I'm not sure I really paid much attention to when I was a child. But I must have heard it mentioned.

It was him who found that plot of land, far enough from where we used to live that daddy's indiscretions wouldn't follow him. Us. Follow us because I now recall that was another issue. It's only when writing this down that I recall at least one unkind remark hurled at me about my daddy and why I did not meet him until I was five.

Or what if we didn't have to move at all?

What's making me unhappy, thinking of this isn't that I'm wishing it were true. It's the notion that...

Caleb set the pen down and rested his head in his hands. He hated this thought. Maybe he should just stop here. Rip out the page, start over.

What I keep coming down to is that if I had kept my family, I might never have met the incredible people that I have. I almost certainly would not have gotten to continue my schooling. Hell, I probably wouldn't have had to leave school when I was 15 to go work on the railroad or in the mines. Unless maybe we somehow landed in Baker's Gap. Maybe I could have made friends with Floyd and the others.

But then, would the thing was wasn't Kurt's daddy have kept at him? Would it have hurt him? Worse? Would it have set on the others?

I think I agree with Granny Amburgey. This “What Might Have Been” thing is overrated.